The Deer Hunt
by Akitoa.k.a.Kito
Summary: When Shigure brings home a deer for dinner. Yeah, it sounds crazy, but you'll get it when you read the story. Not a romance. Not dramatic or sad. No pairings. Just a pointless story.
1. The Deer Hunt

This is not a romance story, or a dramatic one. All the characters are not themselves because if they were, it would be a depressing story. In other words, Hatori is not serious and Akito isn't a crazy mean guy. They're all just different.

So please read and review, and I would appreciate your time!

Akito says, "Hello, Hatori."

Hatori says, "Hello. I see those white birds come to sit on your finger again."

"Yes. For some reason they keep coming to me. (brushes them away) Go away, you stupid bird." (bird stays on finger, so he snaps its neck)

"Oh so that's why all those birds appear dead in the manga series of Fruits Basket."

"What manga series?"

"Nothing."

"And what do you mean appear dead? They are dead."

(Hatori sweats because he thought the bird was unconscious.)

Hatori says, "Well I'm here to check up on your health."

"Good."

(checks heart rate)

Hatori is shocked, "My goodness, your heart-rate!"

"Is it at a normal beat per minute?"

"According to my charts, you're having a heart-attack right now!"

Akito shrugs. " I don't feel a thing."

(Hatori shudders from fright. He checks everything else.)

Hatori says, "Well, this is a pretty good rate. You only concocted 3 new diseases today. Usually you get 5 diseases daily."

"That's not good. Hatori, can you be a little more serious? If what you say is true, I would be dead by now."

"Yeah, especially with that leprosy working its way around you."

"Hatori, I'm serious. You're not yourself today."

"And I can say the same about you. Well, if you must know, I inhaled marijuana, or as they call it, crack, pot, Mary Jane….all that fun stuff."

"Get out of here until you are better!"

"Oh come now. We'll go on our secret annual deer hunt.

"Now?"

"Yes. Now. I'll get the hunting equipment."

(Shigure walks in.)

Hatori exclaims, "Oh Shigure! I didn't see you walk in. According to me, all I see are rainbows popping out of fountains and doorways."

(Shigure gets a little freaked out.)

Shigure asks, "Where are you going with those guns?"

Hatori looks stupidly at him, " Huh? What guns?"

Akito says, "We were going to go deer hunting."

Shigure is excited, " Really? Can I come?"

Akito asks, " Hey, Hatori, what's in this white bag? Cigarettes?"

(Touru enters.)

Touru says, " Hi. I want to talk to Akito please."

Akito says, "Sure! Sit here my friend. Muahahaha!"

(Touru's eyes grow wide.)

Hatori says, " We were just going to hunt deer. Want to come?"

Shigure says " Let's hunt those white birds first!"

Akito says, " No. I want to hunt them through means of road kill! We've got a limo, and I'm not making it go to waste."

Shigure says, "Why don't we shoot out game as the car speeds through the Souma estate at 90 miles an hour."

Touru asks, "Will someone please tell me what's going on! (spots the white bag) Give me that bag! (looks in) Marijuana! You know that marijuana damages the heart, lungs, causes cancer, contains over 400 unknown toxic chemicals, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah….You know that right?"

Akito&Hatori&Shigure go, " Huh?"

Hatori asks, " How do you know?"

"I just did a report on marijuana."

Shigure shouts, " Prove it to us. NOW! Show us where these "imaginary" chemicals are…"

"I'm coming back when you guys are done."

(walks out)

Yuki says, " Hi Touru. That meeting with Akito went fast. Did Shigure protect you again from that psycho maniac?"

Touru laughs, " Yuki, don't make fun of him."

"Touru, sometimes its….its okay to make fun of people."

"They're kind of crazy in there."

"Even Hatori?"

Touru: Ummm….let's go make dinner shall we?

"Yeah, your dinners are always so delicious! How do you make it so?"

"Want to know a secret? (whispers) I take out from restaurants." (yuki's eyes grow wide.)

(dinner time)

Shigure asks, " What's for dinner Touru?"

Touru says, "I…what restaurant do you want to take out from."

"Can you cook deer?"

Touru asks, " Why?"

"Cause…(puts down a whole deer on the table)…I went grocery shopping."

Kyou screams, " Wai! What happened!"

Shigure's version of the story

Hatori says, " Akito, let me drive! I have a license!"

Akito says, "What difference does a piece of plastic tell me?"

Hatori says, " It says that I know how to drive! Now give me the steering wheel!"

Akito says, " No! I'm the head of the family and if I say that we will risk our lives because of my driving, we will!"

Hatori says, "You're crazy!"

Shigure says, " A deer!"

(deer screams. Can deer scream? If not, in this story it can. I'm sure deer can scream though. They have a voice.)

POW!

Akito says, "Oh no! Now there's blood on the limo."

Hatori asks, "What do we do about the deer?"

Shigure says, " Well, we did want to hunt….let's eat it for dinner."

akito and hatori stares at him

Akito&Hatori says, " You're taking it home."

(deer moves one of its legs)

Hatori says, " I think its still alive. With a little bit of what I learned in medical school, I may save its – hey!"

Akito kicks the moving leg. Deer screams once more before it dies.

Hatori says, "You killed it!"

Akito says, " Hey, if I'm dying, I'm bringing deer and white birds with me."

Shigure says, " You're kidding right?"

silence

Shigure says, " Okay."

Touru is very afraid now because there is a dead deer on the dinner table and Shigure's story.

Touru says, "Why don't we take out?"

Kyou asks, "Can we have lamb?"

Yuki says, "No. Let's get chicken."

Shigure says, " Hello? Free deer here!"

Touru says, "No! No animals today. Strictly vegetables."

Shigure says, " If you feed us vegetables, then we'll become vegetables; people who do not do anything but just sit there and not do…anything."

Yuki says, " You're very repetitive."

Shigure says, " You know what, Yuki? Just shut up."

everyone's shocked. Yuki kicks the deer off the table and into the forest.

Yuki asks, " Do you have anything else to say?"

Shigure says, " That thing's really heavy!"

Yuki says, "Good. Retrieve it and I'll kick it back to the forest."

Shigure says, " Well, I think you squished your colony of mice who were watching you in the forest."

Yuki says, " I don't…care."

Shigure says, "Well, I'm off to my room."

Kyou says, " You mean to the bathroom?"

Shigure says, " Precisely."

Walks out.

Yuki yells out, "My mice!" runs off to save them

Touru says, " I can't believe that I live through this."

Kyou says, " If you can't live through this, I don't think you can live through Shigure's bombs."

Touru says, " What bombs?"

Kyou says, " The bombs he's setting off right now."


	2. Akito and Samaria Visits

Thanks to all those who reviewed chapter 1.

(earthquake)

Touru asks, " Was that--?"

Kyou says, " That's right Touru! It's World War III."

Rumble rumble…. KAPOW!

(bathroom door is knocked down)

Shigure says, "My! I feel…RELIEVED!"

Kyou asks, "Was this World War III or atomic bomb testing?"

Shigure says, " It was just a test."

Kyou says, "Huh. Hey, next time, we should explode in time with beethoven's sixth symphony!"

Shigure says, "Great idea."

Touru says gasping, "pl-please…stop. I-I order…pizza."

(touru looks at the bathroom)

Touru screams. "AHHHH! THE WALLS! THEY….THEY WERE YELLOW! NOW….IT'S….IT'S" (faints)

Shigure says, " Don't worry, Kyou. Girls are usually weak like that."

Kyou says, " That's because it's her that's going to clean up. What if it's you?"

(Shigure looks at the brown bathroom.)

(Shigure faints.)

Kyou says, "Ah, that's just perfect."

Yuki says, " I wouldn't call it perfect."

Kyou says, " Yuki, will you ever be able to detect a joke? Man! You're as strict as some –"

Yuki says, "As some what?"

(telephone rings)

Yuki yells, "Kyou! Don't pick it up."

(telephone keeps ringing)

Kyou asks, " Why not?"

Yuki says, " It's the Ring! I told you not to watch that movie."

Kyou yells, " Water! It's coming out of the bathroom!"

Yuki&Kyou starts moaning in fear.

Telephone continues to ring.

Yuki says, "We have to make someone else watch the Ring."

Kyou says, " It's too late! I told you to make Shigure watch it. Then, when that girl comes out, she could feast on Shigure's eyeballs while we take a run for it."

(telephone keeps ringing, until it stops for the message.)

(door knock.)

Yuki says, "Great! Now she's wanting us to invite her inside the house. She's given up her fancy appearances out of the tv and starts appearing at the door."

"Open it."

"You do it."

"You always beat me. Do it."

(Yuki heads to door with Kyou following behind. He opens it.)

Yuki's hair is on ends, "It's Samaria! AHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" (runs out the back door with arms in the air.)

Kyou screams, "Yuki!"

(yuki is running in circles outside.)

Kyou calmly says, "Come in, Akito. Why are you here?"

"I want to check up; to see if everything is okay."

(sees Touru on the floor.)

"What the hell happened?" (heads to the backdoor)

Yuki screams, " Take Shigure! (hiding behind Shigure's coma-state body) Take him! He's more delicious! He's gay too! He'll be your new mother!"

Kyou yells, "Yuki!"

Yuki looks up, "Akito? Uh…we were acting out….stuff."

(akito's eyes narrow)

akito says, "Look! The deer. Look! The dead colony of mice! Look! Shigure's unconscious! Look! Touru's fainted! Look! OH MY GOODNESS! THE BATHROOM!" (faints)

(shigure wakes up)

Kyou says, " Good paint job, Shigure! People liked it so much, they're here to stay!"

Shigure says, "I didn't like the yellow flowers."

Kyou says, " So you've got to paint it like brown-"

Yuki says, " Now, now Kyou. Let's get Akito inside."

(sitting around the table, waiting for touru and akito to wake up)

Shigure says, " So, homies. Whazzup?"

(yuki&kyou's eyes are wide with fear mixed with a hint of confusion)

Shigure says, "C'mon you guys! I'm just trying to be like your friends. Like, wait, here this…ahem…Wazzup…wazz…wa..zup…en….thee….hood?"

Yuki says, "Shigure, please stop. You're scaring us."

Kyou says, "Do you even understand those words?"

Shigure says, "Well! Of course. Like "homies" is…."

Kyou says, "Please, don't try to be like Yuki. He's always trying to fit in, and it doesn't work."

Yuki says, "It doesn't work? I never see you with friends You're always trying to cling onto me wherever I go."

"You smell like hell. You know Shigure's bombs?"

Shigure says, "C'mon you guys. I just wanted you to laugh. Please don't fight over me. There's plenty for everyone."

Yuki says, "I smell? You're everywhere, or at least your remains. You clip your toenails everywhere: in the living room, dining room…while we eat! You do it anywhere! Most disgusting of all is that sometimes, you bite those nails while eating. Every morning, Touru walks in that disgusting yellow filth that's in the room. Those aren't toenails you have. They're fungus farms."

"Fungus farms huh? Fungus farms? Well, in case you haven't noticed….you've been trying to hit on….on Touru!"

"Touru? You hit on….Shigure!"

Kyou says, "You hit on Hatori and you're future lover Akito."

"I don't do that! You hit on Uo and Momiji. Why do you think you always scream at them?"

"You love Shigure so much, you were the first one to move in here."

Shigure says, "Please! I'm flattered by you boys."

Yuki says, "Admit it! You love Shigure! You love Shigure!"

Kyou says, "You admit it! You like Hatori. Hatori! That's why you hate Kana."

(simultaneously)

- Yuki says, "Shigure lover. Shigure lover."

- Kyou says, "Hatori kisser! Hatori kisser!"

(Hatori walks in the room and is shocked to near death, but hides this through a calm state.)

- Yuki says, "C'mon. Kiss Shigure. Glare in his beautiful eyes."

- Kyou says, " Marry Hatori! Dress in a girl's wedding gown! Marry Hatori!"

Hatori's heart beating very fast, but in calm voice says, "What's going on?"

Kyou says, "Yuki admits he loves you. He's gay at heart."

Yuki says, " Don't listen to him!"

Hatori says, " I—only came here for Akito. Shigure called saying that something happened to him. Why are you fighting? And why is there water coming out of the bathroom?"

Yuki&Kyou say, " Ahh! The Ring!"

Hatori says, " No, it's just the toilet needs to be fixed."

(goes to Akito and places hand on chest.)

Hatori says, " hmm….I think I'll need to get him to start breathing."

Yuki says, " Wouldn't he be dead after not breathing for this long?"

Hatori says, " Akito is like a fish. He can breathe in water and hold his breath for up to ten minutes, like a dolphin."

(everyone is shocked)

(Hatori gets out those machines that release electricity out when people need to bring their heart to start pumping again.)

Akito says, " Hello Hatori."

Hatori says, " I knew this electric thing would work. Here, I brought some Mary Jane to soothe the pain from not having your heart work. Are you okay?"

Akito says, " I'm just experiencing a stroke – wah goo ee ahh gorowow lakdeee – yeah."

(everyone has eyes wide open)

Touru says, " Oh my. Have I been out?"

Hatori says, " Yes."

"Is everyone okay?"

"yes."

"Is the bathroom still brown?"

"yes."

Kyou asks, " Are you wearing white underwear?"

"yes. What? Hey!"

Kyou laughs, " AHAHAHAHA! "

Hatori kicks Kyou in the groin.

Kyou says, "Ow. Oh yeah?" (punches hatori in the eye)

Hatori fazed, then says, " Haha! You punched the fake eye!"

Akito asks, " It doesn't hurt you?"

Hatori says, " Not really."

Akito says, "let me try." (punches him)

Shigure says, "me too!"

Hatori says, " Hey stop!"

Yuki says, "Look! The deer! It's alive!"

(everyone sees deer getting up)

akito says, "that stupid deer! I'll shoot it to hell!" (takes out gun from his robe and shoots the deer. Deer screams)

Hatori says, "Akito! How –"

Yuki says, "Yes. How mean."

Hatori says, " No. How'd you manage to hide a big rifle under your robe? What if it goes off by accident?"

Akito says, " Then that's how the Gods will kill me."

Kyou says, "Akito, you know that there's only one God. He watches over all of us."

Akito says, " He? What if it's a she?"

Shigure says, "I believe that this God is an it. It could be a dog."

Hatori asks, "What the hell kind of religion worships a dog?"

Shigure says, " That weird guy in the movie The Mummy. You know the evil guy."

Hatori says, "I think it's only you in real life."

Touru says happily, " I believe in Shintoism."

Akito&Hatori&Kyou go, "Ooohh!"

Akito says, "You're going to go in hell for that."

Touru says, "I have the freedom of religion don't I?"

Akito says, " Not in this estate you can't."

"But in the Constitution…"

Kyou says, " Touru, when you enter the Sohma estate, it's a whole different country. No matter how crazy the head of the family is."

Akito says, " I see an alien."

Hatori asks, "Where?"

Akito points at Touru.

Yuki says, " Hey! That's just mean!"

Kyou says, " Oh yeah? I see Samaria: the girl from the Ring."

(everyone laughs)

Kyou says, " No really."

(everyone sees her)

Everyone scream, " AHHHHHHHHH!"

Akito says, "Shigure! You're bombs!"

Shigure says, "I ran out of ammunition!"

Hatori says, "Akito! Your gun!"

Akito says, " I'm saving it for later!"

Hatori asks, "For what you damn bastard!"

Touru says, " Let's head towards the well!"

Yuki asks, "Where?"

Touru says, " There's a girl named Kagome who has a magical well that can trap Samaria."

(runs to Kagome's house)

(everyone hides behind the well to wait for Samaria)

Yuki asks, " How will she go in the well?"

Shigure says, "Don't worry. I've got a plan."

Kyou says, "There she is!"

Shigure says, "hey, Samaria! Do you want this carrot?"

Samaria says, " kahlkdjlakdlsaf"

Kyou says, " Ah! Just perfect. She's speaking in tongue."

Yuki says, "no she isn't you idiot. If she were, we would be able to understand her."

Shigure says, " catch" (throws it in the well)

(samaria jumps in and is transferred in Inuyasha world)

(In Inuyasha world)

Inuyasha asks, " Is that…the girl from the Ring?"

Kagome says, "I think so."

Shippo says, "I told you not to bring the portable tv and the scary movie kagome!"

(everyone runs screaming their heads off and waving their hands in the air)

Inuyasha says, " Wait, you guys. As we run, let's do the wave! Ready."

Everyone runs while doing the wave.

(next day)

Akito says, "Hatori."

Hatori says, " yes akito?"

"Look at Yuki in this picture."

"Yes? What's wrong."

"Why is there a girl with him all the time?"

"that's Tohru."

"Yes! Why is she there in every picture?"

"well –"

Akito says, " I want you to take a picture of him. You will see this girl. I want to know why she appears in every picture. Cause (whispers) I think she's the next Ring."

"Oh man. This will need some explaining."


End file.
